


I am Commander Shepard

by Umbreolas



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:07:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29490312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbreolas/pseuds/Umbreolas
Summary: Commander Shepard find himself with missing memories about his past, venturing in the galaxy post ME3 destruction choice.For making it easier for everyone reading I wont mention (if possible) choices in the game, but I will use the mostly paragon route, keeping all the characters I can alive for this story.Who knows it might just be the ending you were waiting for.
Relationships: Male Shepard/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Past and Present

The birds' singing woke me up, and I swear it wasn't as nice as it sounds, huge waves of pain followed, making me feel so much worse than being shot at... 

_Do I even know what does it feels like to be shot?_ I wondered as my vision turned black.

I lost the count now of the times I gained and lost consciousness, but now I realised some things. First of all, I was not feeling good, my whole body was hurting in all kinds of ways:

burns, cuts, sprains and bruises were colourful decorations, whatever kind of ache you could think of I probably felt it. The thought made me grin a little but even that caused more pain. Around me I could see the remains of a shattered armour, its pieces scattered around me. My attention shifted, focusing on where I was: trees all around me at least 10 meters high, with leaves replacing the sun with a cool shade. If not for my wounds I would have enjoyed resting here half lying down on a trunk.

_But why am I here?_

Looking for clues something piqued my interest. A small piece of armour lit up by the sun rays... _This is bullshit, a random object being enlightened like in a fucking game. What am I supposed to do? Interact with it!?_ I was losing it. I couldn't remember where I got hurt or how nor why.

Sighing out my frustration I stretched out my arm bringing the piece closer to inspect it. Something was written on it, damaged as it was I could still read it.

 _N7_. Something flashed in my mind. It wasn't how or where I got hurt that I couldn't remember. _Who am I?_ A cold chill ran down my spine, then some pieces of memories began to fall in place. The N7, special forces of the human system alliance. I am one of the few elite soldiers to have completed the training to the highest level.

 _I am a soldier and a good one at that_ I thought as memories of my past missions as an N7 came back. 

_Yes, I must have been hurt during a mission. I should request an evac, maybe Anderson knows more._ Looking down I recognized my omni-tool, careful with my movements as I didn't know the extent of my wounds I tried to send an SOS to the alliance. 

_Nothing goes my way today huh?_ the microcomputer was damaged and couldn't receive or send anything. Without losing confidence I ran a status report on my body, not noticing any major fracture or blood loss. _The best course of action would be to find someone else that could help me go back home._

 _Home. For some reason it brings me sadness_ But no matter how much I thought about it I couldn't understand why I was feeling so down about it. _I just need to get back and rest and I will be as good as new._ A new image popped on my mind. I was sitting on a rocky mountain, the sound of a river near me. I looked up to the sky and saw the sun shining on us. _Us? Was there someone next to me?_ Then as fast as the memory appeared it faded from my mind.

 _ **God dam** **n it!**_ I got up screaming my frustration out. _What is going on with me? It was fucking important! Where was I? When did it happen?? WHO WAS I WITH._ An head splitting pain made me collapse on myself, bringing my arms up as to cover my head from the pain, after a few minutes that felt like hours the pain subsided. 

"For fuck's sake." I said out loud in a sigh "Let's get this shit together _."_

In 5 minutes I was combat ready, discarded my armour relying only on my biotics and my loyal N7 eagle, I was already venturing in the woods.

* * *

* * *

After a few hours of walking I began to hear voices, moving silently I grabbed my gun and pointed it in front of me, cautiously approaching the sounds, trying to figure it out whether it was friend or foe.

"Lucas! Can you feed the dogs?" a gravelly voice 

"Yes dad, I'll go before dinner!" the other more high-pitched

_A father and a son? Am I near a village?_

Looking around I saw the source of the voices, two humans unharmed. The child Lucas running downhill. _Seems like I was right. C_ oming out of the woods I holstered my gun. 

"Excuse me, sir?" I tried to sound as friendly as possible making him scared wouldn't help me anyway "Can I ask you where we are right now?"

The man jumped and turned around, his eyes widening as he tried to understand how a stranger entered this far in his property.

"I am with the alliance, I had an accident during a mission can you help me get in contact with them? My omni-tool is busted" I tried to say showing my badge. 

"Oh, of course. Sorry I was just startled, these have not been good times. Communication via omni-tool are disabled for the time being. Follow me." I didn't understand what he meant, but decided that it was better to follow him, and after all I was kind of a mess, blood and dirt covered my body. 

_I'm surprised he didn't run away when he saw me._

"I'm Paul Carter by the way, what's your name son?" The man talking was around his 50s, almost all of his hair turned white. He was fairly well built for his age, probably because of his work, but he had a gentle look on his face.

"My name is John, do you live around here?"

Paul was leading the way down the hill, from this height I could see the sunset on the horizon. 

"Yes up the hill there is my farm, while at the bottom there is the Murker Village, It's not like a big city but we help those in need like we can. It's sad to see earth like this."

I was still looking at the sunset, not really listening to him. Above all my wounds I felt my heart sinking. A feeling of emptiness pervaded my chest. 

_Again, something perfectly normal as the sunset managed to stir up weird reactions, what the hell is going on?_

While walking we reached the village. There was a big road with houses leaving next to no space between one another, I could tell most of them were new except one which I soon discovered it to be Paul's. On the way everyone was waving at the man I was following, even thanking him and crying. I couldn't explain what was happening so I just asked.

"Ehm, Mr. Carter.. Can you tell me what is happening? Are you the major of this village?" he looked at me confused at first, then he answered.

"Most of the people here are refugees, after what happened to most of earth the least I could do was give them a place to stay." _Was earth under attack? He talks like the danger is gone but I don't remember anything about this._ I could feel my head start to ache again.

"We can talk about this after you rest a bit, I'm sure you'll love my wife's cooking! And call me Paul, you can relax here." At his words my stomach began growling for food. _I woke up in the middle of nowhere who knows how long I've been out. Could be a few hours or a few days. I'll ask for a way to contact the Alliance later._

"Thank you very much, I could use a warm shower" While talking we arrived at his house, It was certainly older than the others, the 2 story building could use a hand of paint here and there, but it was easy to see that the white walls were sturdy enough to protect even in case of a gunfight.

 _Why did I think of that? I should wash these worries away as soon as I can. Maybe sleep on it, I might remember something new._ "Mom! Dad is early!"

A young voice pulled me away from my thoughts, a child was opening the front door running to his father, but stopped when he looked at me, deciding to hide behind the door instead.

"Dad why did you bring a zombie with you?" I couldn't help but making a small laugh though my chest knew better than shaking so much. Paul scanned me for a moment then looked back to his son "He's a good zombie, he wants to be human again. Do you think we can help him?"

The young boy gave us a nod and run off inside the house, we simply followed him in. The inside was well kept, the shining marble floor made me feel a little bad for dirtying it. "Paul! I hope you took your shoes off before coming inside!" A woman about the same age as Paul came shouting from the hallway. I looked behind me and saw two racks: one for the shoes and another for the slippers. There was even a small stool next to them. Sitting on it I decided to follow the woman's instructions _I wouldn't want to be on her bad side_ I thought watching the two talking.

"No beer for you tonight! You never listen!" 

"Oh no! Not my beer please!" They weren't really arguing, it seems like it was a good show for their son who was laughing really loudly with his head popping out of a room at the end of the hallway, the scene looked so funny I let out a smirk. Putting my boots away I turned back to them.

"And who might this young boy be?" she was right next to me now, looking at me from head to toe for a few seconds.

"I'm Jo..."

"Yes! you are in need of some medigel and some bandages! You look like you are going to collapse anytime now." grabbing my arm she led me upstairs. 

"You set the table! And maybe we can think about that beer!" on the second floor were 5 rooms but just one was closed, it looked like no one had opened it in years. She left me next the bathroom and went to the room next to it, which was full of big shelves that reached the roof. After a few seconds of searching she came out holding a med-bag.

"Sit there and take the shirt off. I'll take care of the worst ones" I complied and looked at her in the mirror while she applied medigel and closed off the cuts on my body. _She's not new to this_ I thought watching her carefully moving her hands. "Thanks uh.. Ma'am" realising I didn't get her name before.

"I'm Susan try to limit your movements or your wounds might open again, fortunately none were bleeding heavily." she looked sad for a second, then returned to her cheerful self "When you finish showering we will be downstairs, I'll let you taste my awesome cuisine!"

Talking about food my stomach growled in response. Which was welcomed by Susan with a laugh. "Thank you, I'll surely enjoy it" I managed to say hiding my embarrassment. 

When Susan left I inspected myself in the mirror _Didn't I have a scar here? What about this one?_ I still had some scars but I didn't remember any of them. _I really need to get some shut-eye I must be seeing things._

An hour later I felt reborn. _Not that I actually know how it feels to come back from the dead_ I chuckled. Coming out of the shower I saw Lucas coming towards me "Hello sir" His parents must have told him to behave, but I think he was just interested in my scars. "Do you think I'm a human now?" I asked jokingly. For some reason he looked scared but the fear faded from his face almost instantly. "Yes, dad said you can use this room" he pointed to the room near the stairs. "You can wear those clothes on the chair" he explained then asked me to come downstairs when I was ready.

The room was simple, a bed near the door, in front of which was a wooden desk with a chair. On the other side of the room there was a closet and window that looked on the street. I folded the towel I was wrapped in and got dressed. I glanced outside the window, the street was deserted. _Weird, it didn't look like it was that late, is there a curfew? I might ask Paul later._ And so I walked to the living room.

"Oh here you are John I was starting to worry you might have fallen asleep in the shower!" Looks like Paul managed to make his wife forgive him, seeing how he had 2 cold beers out on the table. "Yeah sorry for the wait, I needed that, I feel like this is the first time I relax in a few months!" It was true I could feel my body lighter than this morning, and not only because of the medicines I applied.

"Don't worry I was joking around, here drink up with me. Today is a good day!" we cheered together, smacking the bottles against one another. _The beer was really good. But I feel like someone owes me a beer. I wonder who was that. We must have been close friends but for some reason I can't remember much about it_ I took the opportunity of the fine meal and beer to ask about returning to my duty. 

"Paul, do you know how to get in touch with the Alliance? My omni-tool is busted and I need to get back soon." He looked like he was thinking about something but when he spoke was cheerful as always "You really know when to take a break boy, here drink another! Tomorrow I'll show you the way to London, you'll find there who you need." 

_London was a big city with a lot of Alliance forces, but does this mean I'm in England? I still can't remember my mission. I just hope to have completed it and then lost my memories. How much did I lose? A few days? Maybe weeks? Was I doing something with Anderson new project? The new advanced ship Normandy was it. I can manage if I lost a small period of memories but what if I can't remember years?_ My train of thought was interrupted by another voice.

"Dear try to not get this boy wasted, and if you have to drive him you can't drink anymore!" _They sure have a good time together._ I thought while watching them joke and flirt with each other. 

After dinner I tried helping in the kitchen but Susan was really strict about not moving around too much for a few days, soon I had to admit defeat and was forced to go upstairs, and she was right. Only once I was in bed I realized how tired I was, falling asleep almost immediately. 


	2. To live and die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves this one has a bit of violence and foul language. Nothing too serious thought you wanted a head-up.

The dry air smelled of blood, even before the massacre began. Dust floating with each step. The equipment weighting on me as I kept myself focused, there was no point of resting, and I couldn't even if I wanted. Cold accusatory eyes were pointed at me from the soldiers, blaming glares for the lives lost while fearing for their own. _This is why I hate having a team with me._

There is not a soldier that has not experienced at least one traumatic event in their life, however death took a liking to me. In every battle it was at my side, destroying everything in reach but never coming for me. Eventually I came to fear for the lives of other soldiers more than my own. I began questioning my very reason for being alive. _Are these missions even worth something? Can it out weight the lives lost?_ Every night I'm forced to relive those moments: the fight, the screams, the pain. 

Different battlefield and different people fighting but the same helpless and useless struggle. No matter how many enemies I struck down. How spent or tired I was, in the end I still failed to protect the men who entrusted me with their lives. And when the silence fell around me, I cursed my own fate. A broken soldier, unable to save his men but yet marching on mission after mission, battle after battle. Willingly going in death's arm but coldly pushed aside each time. 

_I guess, I should find another war to fight when I go back to the alliance._ Then the dream changed I was talking with Anderson.

Recognizing the scene as the last memory I could recall before waking up on that trunk. "This new project is massive Shepard, and I need you to lead it" The man was tying to convince me but he didn't really need to do anything. He was there for me in my worst moments and gave me hope, for the first time I felt that I could do some good to atone for my mistakes. 

"I'm in" Just few words but I could see his serious face turning into a grin, the white teeth in contrast with his black skin, black as my vision while the dream changed again. 

This time I was lying down on a rocky terrain, the sound of the water flowing in a nearby river as the warm sun shined up us. Slowly I turned my head around I could see someone laying next to me but it wasn't clear. The figure was blurry like if there was a black mist I could not see through. 

"Thank you John" A female voice, slightly distorted, but sweet. Warm tears dripping down my face. As the voice filled me with happiness it was gone in the void that occupied my chest. I could not remember, I could not see who it was that my heart yearned so much for. 

That's when I woke up. Gasping for air as I felt my chest ripping apart. Why did it have to hurt so much, for something I couldn't even remember. _How much did I forgot since talking to Anderson?_ I asked myself carefully trying to not add a painful headache to my already shivering and cold body still gasping for air. 

As time passed I forced myself to calm down. It was a trick I learned in the N7s: close your eyes, control the breathing, control your thoughts, assess the situation, find a solution. 

I opened my eyes, sitting up on the bed I looked outside the window across the room. It was a moonless night, there was no sound to be heard. It was so quiet. Too quiet. I wiped off my cold sweat and went up to the window looking outside, forcing my sadness down as adrenaline shot up trough my veins, I could feel danger coming. 

Making a split second decision I took my pistol and run down the stairs as I heard the sound of wheels and voices down the street, I was going for the door when a hand grabbed my shoulder. Paul was right behind me, moving his hand to make me follow him upstairs. _Why did he stop me? I need to go I can't let people die on my watch... Again._

As I was wondering the best course of action Paul opened the same door I wondered about the day before, forcing the door as it wasn't used in a long time the room revealed a small arsenal. With no hesitation the man in front of me started gearing up. "Don't just stand there son, retired alliance admiral now put some armour on and some shoes or you'll make those assholes die of laughter" I looked down to my clothes. I was wearing some shorts with a white T-shirt, on my feet the black slippers I took the day before. 

Not complaining for the equipment but also a bit embarrassed by his comment I quietly prepared myself, took an assault rifle checking the thermal clips and storing them in a rig I picked up. _This doesn't seem right, the room was closed for years at least. But thermal clips are yet to be released how much time exactly passed? What did I do all this time? Am I.._

"They probably are bandits, they want supplies and might go after women. We creep up on them and take them out. Understood?" Paul voice was calm but his eyes were letting out clear murderous intent. "Yes sir, I'm a biotic so let me rush in as soon as we get in a advantageous position" It was clear he didn't like letting me bait them while he shot from cover.

He analyzed my wounds biting his bottom lip "Fine, but I want you alive by the end of this." He passed me a small bottle "These are painkillers, you might need them since you haven't completely recovered"

Screams warned us that time was up. We quickly double timed running outside there were vehicles and bandits out in the open. Probably more around. As I was looking for the best approach not knowing their numbers or equipment a house was lit on fire. 

"These fucking bastards" Paul cursed while running crouched to the left side of the street. Gripping tightly the rifle I crossed the street taking the right side moving closer to the burning house. Approaching cover on the side of the building I could see more clearly, the fire lighting up the surroundings, there were bandits arguing.

"Why the hell did you burn down the house you fucking idiot! Mason did your brain get smoked too from the fires you light left and right??" the one speaking was fairly bigger than than others, a good armour with few dents here and there, he carried a heavy pistol in his hand and a SMG on his back. He looked like the only one with some military training "Come on boss, they won't mind one or two houses and look at the FLAMES!! This is all because they don't want to pay up for protection! They have to fear.." The leader just kicked him in the chest leaving the arsonist with no breath.

"I see you really inhaled too much smoke, your brain is cooked now? You're less than dog shit. Just give me a reason I shouldn't shoot in the face right now." the other guy was getting on his knees now. "ugh, cough.. Please, I.." a punch to his temple left him on the ground _._ After stomping Mason on his chest, the leader of the bandits shot clean the arsonist in the head.

"This is what happens to people that don't follow my orders!" He looked around his men searching for more insurgents. "Take this trash away! I want to get back as soon as we get the goods!" Everyone was now moving quickly executing his orders. _I should watch out for him, better not be caught off guard._

Two of the bandits were coming to the house I used as cover, inside I could see from the window the father pushing his family behind him raising a shotgun in front of him, aiming at the door. _I need to protect these people. I can't fail again._ I took the small bottle Paul gave me, and took a pill. As it took effect my senses became a little dull, but now free of some of the pain I could move freely.

I let my biotics flow, It was the first time I used them in a while, but I could feel much more power than I was used to. A thick blue area was forming around me. The enemy now in close proximity was almost at the door. I jumped forward, using the power to boost my speed and I charged them sticking out my armoured shoulder. Hitting the first one in the chest I could feel something crack, regaining my balance from the impact I aimed the rifle at the other guy who was trying to take his gun out of the holster. I didn't give him the chance to do so.

Now that I was discovered it was time to head to the others. The other party was running to cover, a few hiding behind one of the tanks they brought. _Bad idea my friends_ Throwing a grenade next to it, I didn't wait to see it explode, moving out in the street. I had a prey, a dangerous one, and it was nowhere in sight. 

Steps in the alley next to the house, my senses tingling, I turned. A group of bandits was aiming at me, I was in the open no cover whatsoever. With no time to waste I rushed them, bullets and plasma shots grazing me, extending my left arm out I used my biotic shields as cover while hip shooting with the rifle on my right arm. Spraying down shots on the enemies on the left the rifle ejected the thermal clip. Throwing it aside I took my handgun, pointing it out to the enemies on the right. 2 shots to the chest and one was down, I turned for the other but he was already dead on the ground. _Paul sure is a good shot, and I don't even know where he is._

Picking up my rifle and reloading, I saw the leader shouting orders. "What do I pay you mercenaries for? GO! Kill them!" Retreating back to their vehicles a few were grabbing the locals, most women but even young males _So you even take slaves, seems like you really want to die tonight._ My biotics were running wild in response to my emotions, little sparks of energy floating around.

I was halfway to the cars, bandits aiming at me were falling down one after the other, Paul was clearing a path for me, their numbers now clearly diminished the rest was just trying to flee. Two mercenaries were turning on the van with the hostages while other two were bringing a boy with them. I shot one in the head, the other let the boy go as the child kicked him. Surprised for a moment he recovered and started shooting, but not at me.

"NOO!" Stretching out my arm I used all my biotics to push the child aside, throwing him away from the line of fire. The merc as if he expected it he shifted to aim back at me, without my blue aura around the kinetic shields only blocked off one shot as the others were hitting the armour. _Is this it? Can I finally rest?_

I closed my eyes. The sound of screams and shots was fading away. Then a light so bright it was blinding flashed and I could hear a voice, the same sweet voice I loved so much. "Come back to me John, promise me." 

I opened my eyes in an instant, the adrenaline rushing trough my veins. Focusing on my survival I gathered my biotics shielding the vital areas, a shot got me to my left side as I steadied my aim on the head of the merc. Only one shot to get trough his shields. _If I was fighting someone better geared I would've died._ And for the first time, to my own disbelief. I didn't want to. I would not welcome it. I had something to do. Someone to find. 

The van's engine roared as it was turning on, but before it could move precise shots hit all of its wheels stopping it from moving. I went to open it when I heard a gun cocking on my right, then a spray of bullets demolished my kinetic shields, some of the shots were blocked by the armour but my right arm was pierced twice making me drop my rifle before I could gather my leftover biotics as a shield. The rapid fire shots of an SMG reminded me of my mistake, I forgot about the most dangerous one. 

I turned to him, shifting on my right leg. The effect of the painkiller was wearing off, all the pain was becoming more intense everywhere on my body. I could feel my legs wobble. Facing the man directly I could see him better now. He had a foul looking face scarred by countless wounds. He was throwing his gun away as it was overheating, and walked up to me. "You motherfucker!"

A punch to my left side, made me back off. Spitting blood out, the pain still increasing, my vision began to blur. He was closing in for another punch same as he did to the other guy. He would go for a punch to the temple. I raised my left arm to block his punch his face distorting in stupor while I kicked him in the stomach. The impact powered with biotics left him on the ground, taking my N7 eagle out his eyes widened, as if he saw a ghost.

"You can't be alive asshole! Do you know how many people died because of you! The blood was flowing in the streets and you just walked away! With your crew of freaks! I didn't got the chance but believe me! I KNOW OF SOME THAT WILL ENJOY YOUR QUARIAN BITCH" He began laughing, his dark eyes filled with desperation. The man had lost everything. I could see that, but he chose to take it out on others, maybe others that had the same misfortune as him. Thinking about all the lives he had taken, I did not feel the least guilty about giving in to my rage and stepping on his neck slowly suffocating him. I took out the medi-gel from my rig and began applying it on the bleeding wound on my side, the pain being dulled while under my feet he was squirming for air.

Coughing out more blood I steeled myself. _Focus I need more out of this bastard, what did he mean with 'my crew' ? I worked alone or with random teams for a very short while. I always refused a team even more a crew you might have to spend years with._

"Speak, who will go after my people?" I lifted my foot just enough for him to breathe and speak. "You have... no idea, how we... will take care.. of your.. purple... pet" If I had spare blood in my body, I was sure it went straight to my head _Is he talking about that person I want to find? All of his words seems to get my blood boiling._ I shot at his legs multiple times, burning holes in his lower limbs were being filled by his blood. I reloaded as his screams filled the now silent village. 

"Speak and I might let you die now, instead of being left here to rot" I could hear some steps behind me, but I didn't have to turn to know it was Paul. _He must have taken out the drivers._ "We could use him for questioning there is no need to kill him, we managed to save all the hostages." I turned to the man speaking, he was sorry but not for the bastard on the ground, he was looking at me with sadness. _Paul, you have no idea of who am I. Actually I'm starting to think I don't either._ "Get the information from someone else. This man needs to die." I looked at the soon to be corpse under my feet shooting it in the shoulder. 

I thought Paul would walk away, instead he just stood there. Waiting. "So little shit, are you going to tell me what I want?" I asked ripping the hole in his shoulder open with biotics. His screams cut off by my foot almost crushing his neck. I waited a few seconds then lifted it as he gasped for air. I looked in his eyes as they were focusing again on me. "F..Fine.. M..My omnitool...The password is: ..fuck...you" he was able to laugh at his own joke, before I squashed his neck. I picked up his omnitool, it was encrypted but I could find someone able to crack it. 

I turned to Paul, the man was not showing much emotion now, he simply shrugged "Go to Susan. I'll take care of it here" I looked at him, he was... trembling? Then it hit me. "Are you afraid your wife will get angry?" His eyes glaring at me "You have no IDEA how she is when she gets angry! Now go I already have enough dead bodies lying around I don't want yours too." I lifted my arms as to surrender to his argument, well.. arm since I could barely feel my right one, and headed to his house leaving Paul rambling something about beers.

The door opened to reveal the small figure of Susan, her eyes filled with worry, then shock, then.. then she suddenly became bigger. It was as if her presence was so dominating all the living beings in the area could not help but feel intimidated. 

"Uuh, sorry Susan... I might have been a little reckless..." I managed to say. To be honest I don't remember much of the following events. It's all blurry and I think I was hallucinating. I saw Susan coming up to me wearing boxing gloves, she was covering them in medi-gel which I was enough strange as it was. Then she hit me, straight in the face, multiple times. Until my vision turned black.

_I probably passed out at the door, and everything else was just my fervid imagination. Yes that has to be it..._


End file.
